290 doesn't define me

Well,
Yesterday started my journey into dropping all of the weight that I've taken on. I'm not embarrassed at all to type 290. 290 lbs does not define who I am. I have let darkness and sadness consume me. Binged on salty potato chip after another and Little Debbie Snacks. Food was my comfort. It still is. When I had no one else or felt that I was empty, I would eat and eat until I felt some kind of fullness. Unaware what I would be doing to myself in the long run. And I have made the decision to no longer (or at least attempt to) do so.

Its all I can really do to make a change in my life, really. Put my foot down. Make a stance. Change.

I think GLEE (don't laugh) made me want to change. The Michael Jackson episode where they sang "Man in the Mirror" I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life. Its gonna feel real good...  I never understood the words to the song until that day. And that night, while I laid in bed, I cried. Reciting the words in my head. Telling myself it was okay to not want 290 lbs to define me.

When you look at a person all you see is appearances. Right now, societal deemed, I have all the wrong appearances going for me. Black. Overweight. WOMAN....Unsure of herself and you can tell. You can see it in my face. There was a time between 2008 and 2009 that I made this same stance and I was happy and upright. What the hell happened to me? I had just graduated. Two jobs. Single. Doing me. Not a care in the world.

Now...fast forward 4 years and I've let life and responsibilities bog me down. Its like I've allowed it to just consume me and cover me with this thick wet darkness. It has layered me and weighed me down. I want people to look at me and think of me as someone who is sure of herself. When I walk in the room I want it to light up and people to notice me. But right now, I'm afraid to be noticed. At this moment. I'm afraid of people to look at me.

When I take lunch breaks at work, I pray that no one is in the kitchen for fear that they see what I'm eating and judge me for it. I feel their eyes on me...and for this, I just skip lunches all together. By the time I get home I'm so hungry and aggravated that I over eat. Punishing myself twofold.

But 290 will no longer haunt me. I will change. I will make a change.

Good morning!

Well, I've let another month go by without updating. We're in the process of moving into our new apartment and getting a new car...what a whirlwind this has been. I'm over it all and I just wanna take a week vacation sitting on a remote beach somewhere with a daquri of some sort and my kindle fire (i got one for valentine's day!!!) loaded with great books.

I'm not kidding. I'm about to look into a timeshare and dream that I can afford to sneak off for a weekend alone.  I will keep dreaming lol. No way could I afford doing something like this. Not even in my wildest dreams.

Oh well.

The new apartment is two floors and I'm not really too excited about leaving here. Maybe that's a good thing; being that I loved our current apartment and now DETEST living there.

I can't wait to move. And good luck to the future renters. These miserable landlords at this place will never allow anyone else to be happy. And this is all a shame because they're so young...yet so crazy.

Life's too short to be acting like you got it all on the East Side of Bridgeport...SMH.